she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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