i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
