were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
