im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
