theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
