Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
