I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
