I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
