He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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