I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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