It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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