This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
