We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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