Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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