boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
