Pappa wants mamma naked
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
