I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
