Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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