you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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