Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
