kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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