Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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