my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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