he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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