i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
