oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Let's paint friendship bongs
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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