Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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