i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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