I'm going to jail i love you
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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