I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
