In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
