he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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