my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
