The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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