Life is so much better after having sex.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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