she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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