I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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