i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
