I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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