Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Text me some of your sweat
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
