I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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