I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
