my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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