Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
