I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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