Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
