U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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