When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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