if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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