I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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