He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
