Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
