Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
