After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
