I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
