I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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